Thinking

I am reading Infinite Jest. It is a book that provokes one furiously to think, as Hercule Poirot would say. I am finding myself particularly absorbed by the passages about addiction. There is a person using the book to aid with his own attempt to quit, and I think I need to do this also.

I am not addicted to any substances, but I am addicted to some pernicious habits of thought. I never let myself fully try, so that when/if I fail, there is a built in excuse; I also waste psychic energy on minutiae, and get disproportionately upset about friends who bail, romantic interests that don't pan out, coworkers/neighbours/people on the street, anything and everything. I think this waste, this preoccupation allows me a reason to lack confidence, a reason (again) to not really try.

Well, enough. I know my lack of confidence is tied to having stifled my writing. I started working a year and a half ago to wake back up, to come fully alive, and it's time to let go of the last fears and insecurities and roadblocks and start. My Disease will always be with me, but I am going to stop letting it stifle me; I quit.

(Ugh, not the prettiest passage I have ever written, but it is good to lay the truth out, no matter how awkward.)