The worst part

The worst part of feeling the way I do is that I spend a lot of time being angry. Angry at friends, angry about work stuff, just angry. (I dunno what the causal pathway is. Being anxious means feeling hurt which means feeling defensive?) I've always been scared of my own capacity for cold bitter anger and lately I have been just swimming in it. I spend a lot of time wanting to say extremely rude, cutting, hurtful things to people who in no way merit it. (Even if their comportment has not been ideal, I react w/ disproportionate rage.) The angry thoughts chase themselves around in my head (sometimes switching out w/ anxious or profoundly sad thoughts for a change of pace) in ever-diminishing circles; my throat tightens; there is no peace or clarity.

I would really like to be able to think about something other than my own feelings. There are much bigger problems in the world than mine but I think I need to deal with this to be able to work constructively and love openhandedly.